Swedish Death Cleaning 2026, items 8 - 9
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8. The You, Me & Tuscany tea towel that fucking sucks - We have some tablecloths. Three tablecloths. One of them is very Christmas, so that one is out of commission for most of year. The other two are in rotation for when guests come over to eat because honestly it's easier than wiping up the whole table after our slobbo friends are done flinging crumbs and spilling wine. They know who they are. The tablecloths have stains and marks on them. Sometimes I cover those stains and marks with a variety of tea towels. Alonso went to the press screening for You, Me & Tuscany and I did not because why would I unless I really had to. Hallmark-looking thing. He came home with the free promotional object you see above (photo credit: me). It's amusing, in its way. Prancy little Italianate watercolor grapes and a basket and a bottle of red wine and some stemware and a flower pot and a wall and an arch and some flowers and some rolling green into more places where wine grows. I'd keep it and use it to wipe counters or the floor or whatever if it weren't for one little problem. AA Mills, the label tells me, constructed this rag from 90% Recycled Polyester and 10% Polyamide. Polyamide is nylon. Are you not in a kitchen ever? Because I can't figure out where one might use a scrap of synthetic fabric like this as it should never be employed for wiping up anything or absorbing anything that's cotton's job and tea towels are cotton and there's a reason for that and yes I know this sentence has no punctuation fuck it. You use towels for toweling. Water bounces off this like a nonstick skillet. The image transfer seems akin to those cakes with an actual photo printed on the icing. One wash and the romance of Tuscany has blocked you. I left it on the Free Wall and it was taken but honestly I felt like I was pranking whoever got it.
9. Two sweaters that Alonso loved to death like some kind of velveteen rabbit – One was from The Gap, purchased roughly 2001. Black v-neck, nubbly wool. When the holes began to emerge he kept wearing it. Like out to places. And not cool holes like that one sweater Chris Evans wore in that movie and it went viral. These are weirdly placed holes, as though you had a t-shirt and the one hole was where one of your nipples was and it poked out and everyone pretended not to see it. The other was from Brooks Brothers, roughly 2004. A handsome argyle cardigan in various earthy colors. It was worn so often that eventually it became threadbare, unraveling in parts, with more weird and not-cute holes. There's nothing funny about the demise of this sweater. It was good. Now it's done. That's tragic. It deserves a funeral where someone sings "Gloomy Sunday."
