Regarding what's left of this cake:

Nothing goes as planned. I baked a coconut cake for Alonso and then he got a mild variation on The Summer Cold. I put the layers in the freezer for later use and made him drink a lot of hot chicken broth. Then I cancelled on the friends who were going to come over to eat that coconut cake.

Then I made a second cake. It's the one in the picture. I figured the friend who requires this specific cake on his own birthday, one that just took place, would like it, and I told him, "Come get it."

Let's say none of your cookbooks are currently helping you. You go online, which can be treacherous. There's a glut of internet bakers on the make out there, so even if you know exactly what you want – in this case, a vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and raspberry filling, something residing in the same county as a Victoria Sponge, but at a safe distance, so as not to cause confusion – you could still wind up listening to a fake expert with a bum recipe.

Several years ago, I found the correct vanilla cake on Sally's Baking Addiction. I'd write it out for you, but here's the link. It's not a plain "white" cake. It's not a buttery yellow cake. It's vanilla, with more vanilla in it than you might imagine. In the frosting, too. This vanilla cake, to me, is the one true vanilla cake.

Fill it with a good raspberry jam. You could make your own, if you like to do that. I have. I didn't for the one you see in the picture. That's Bonne Maman. I used to run it through a sieve but gave up on that practice when I realized the raspberry seeds keep the consistency nice.

But why do I have a container full of Kroger brand sugar sprinkles in that garish fucking goofy color? Did I buy them? No memory of that. Are the dyes poison? It is likely. I do, however, have a pathological inability to throw out any food even when it is possibly, suspiciously, not food. So I'll use them until they're gone and I've maxed out all my friends' toxicity levels. I think about these things. When I mention these concerns to the friends, they usually tell me to fuck off and give them the cake.

It does all taste really good, though.