I have decided who gets into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

I am aware that the demented, racist President said even more demented, racist things last night, and that he wants to make banks freeze accounts of people who can't show their papers. I am aware that Pete Hegseth wants unrestrained AI to drop nuclear bombs on anyone, anywhere, without human decision-making, so when it tells itself to bomb U.S. cities, I suppose that will happen and Pete will cheer it on. I'm up on several, but certainly not all, of the horrible news events from the past 24 hours. I will sit here feeling stunned like I do every morning that I turn on the internet, which is most mornings. And because I'm just in my apartment with Raisin Bran and it's 6am, I don't have any clear ideas on how to deal with anything. I need a cup of tea first. One more thing: that hockey team is full of dipshits. Fuck them.

I had to clear the morning deck before I explain the news that I can wrap my little brain around: the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 2026 nominees. They are here. The RRHF is an institution that I never pay attention to, but the annual nominee list gets people worked up.

I learned that you only get to be a nominee once it's been 25 years since the release of your first album. That seems fair. Otherwise it becomes the American Music Awards and any old clowny one-hitter gets a prize. You should have at least two, maybe three, hits. Billy Idol has had a handful, so he gets to be a nominee. Sorry to The La's.

The others: The Black Crowes, Jeff Buckley, Mariah Carey, Phil Collins, Melissa Etheridge, Lauryn Hill, INXS, Iron Maiden, Joy Division/New Order, New Edition, Oasis, P!NK, Sade, Shakira, Luther Vandross, Wu-Tang Clan.

I have criteria. One of them is that if you're dead, you get in. So that's Luther Vandross and Jeff Buckley. I know that Michael Hutchence is also dead, but INXS kept going after him for a bit. Having said that, eventually they broke up and because they fit in with my second criterion – being old – they also get in. As do Joy Division and New Order (which includes one dead person and others who changed their band name after that death and if you don't know who they were/are that means you're American and didn't listen to anything after Jim Croce died).

Also Phil Collins. He's 75. I thought he was already in. Also Melissa Etheridge. I have no idea how old she is. She could be even younger than me, and that's still old.

Also Iron Maiden – really old – and New Edition and Sade and, sure, Billy Idol.

The 90s people – Oasis, P!NK, Shakira, Lauryn Hill, Wu-Tang, Mariah – will all get their turn. This is not my personal referendum on any qualities any of them possess. If my preferences played into this then St. Martha Wash would already be inducted. I just like to make rules and regulate.

The Black Crowes will never get their turn as long as I run this town. Once, my friend Alan and I had tickets for a taping of The Tonight Show in Burbank and the Go-Go's were supposed to perform and just before the warm-up comic came out it was announced that the Go-Go's had to cancel and we were getting the Black Crowes instead. So I hate them. I understand that this is not rational.